Loss

In case you want to listen to what I'm listening to while you're reading, since I was listening to this while I was writing. Warning: I wouldn't necessarily go out listening to all of his music since some can be vulgar, but I particularly like this song. It's about the loss of a loved one. 

Anyways, here are my thoughts recently...

I don't understand this world.

And I'm not talking about why people in third world countries are going hungry, or why people commit heinous crimes and acts. I'm not talking about why there is suffering in the world, or why children die so young. In a way, I get that. I understand balance. You can't have pain without pleasure, suffering without relief. The good and the bad. Love and hate. One simply cannot exist without the other and so when people ask why there is so much suffering in the world, I don't look at it as some evil concept. I see it as necessary.

No, what I don't understand are human beings in general. 

We are highly intellectual creatures, but we choose to hurt others. We betray without remorse and lie and manipulate without regard to how it affects someone else. It's all about the self, even though without others...we literally die on all levels. No one can survive alone. And yet, we seek to dominate our fellow man while beginning to be respected, loved and admired at the same time. I'm sick of it. I am. 

Forgive me. There is a point to this.

What I mean to say, is that it's not death that scares me, whether it is of myself or another. Death is a natural part of life. It's beautiful in the sense that someone has completed their cycle for better or worse. The suffering that has plagued their thoughts and body has ceased to be, and no matter what one's view of the afterlife is, in that moment, that precise moment...there is peace. There is stillness. There is equilibrium. 

Death means little to me. It is sad to watch, especially when it greatly affects someone close to them, but it is a part of life. That fact doesn't change. 

To me, loss...true loss is when you lose someone close to you, and they are still alive. By my count, I have lost four people. They are all still alive, and as far as I know, they are doing well. But it's still strange to think of how important they were to me in my life, and now, for one reason or another, they no longer are. There are reasons why our relationships are over, but I won't get into the specifics out of respect to all of them.

What I will say is that I do not hate them. Their loss hurt at the time, but each of them also added to who I am today. I embraced the positive, and rejected the negative of whatever they sent my way. I am stronger because of the trials we went through together, and I hope they feel the same way. I am not bitter, but I am optimistic. I'd like to think that someday, we will meet again along life's road and sit down for a conversation. There will be no hard feelings. It will just be two people with opposing views enjoying a cup of tea and catching up. Then we will stand up at the end of the long conversation, and say good-bye to each other amicably. Is the rekindling of a relationship possible? Of course. But given that people rarely change, it is unlikely. 

Still, there would be a sense of closure that could not be achieved in the heat of the moment. I think that particular closure will happen, but I don't live my life in anticipation of it. Again, I have taken in the positive, and rejected the negative. Our relationships were severed because of the negative, but I don't look it as a bad thing necessarily. We are all different, and what works for one person, just doesn't work for another. Not all human beings are meant to be in love with each other, but we can respect each other. 

I just hope that wherever those four people are, they are happy. That our parting has added to their life and not taken away. That they aren't bitter. That there is no ill-will towards them. There is a saying: "Where there's life, there's hope." I used to look at that quote as, as long as the person you had a conflict with is still alive, there is still time to repair the relationship. 

I don't see it that way anymore.

To me, I've already gotten over their loss. To me, it as if they are already gone. Not to sound mean, but it's like they've already passed. To me, "where there's life, there's hope" means now that regardless of the trials and tribulations that come to us in life, there is time for us to change, love, mature, and become a better person. To put our stamp on the lives of our loved ones and the world. To inspire and encourage others. To instill seeds that won't even germinate for generations. Because I and those other people are still in the land of the living, there is hope for me to change (if I'm wrong), and there's hope for them (if they are wrong).

I can't have a relationship with those that I feel have already died in my life. But I could with those that are alive now. They may look the same, walk the same, have the same name and do the exact same things on a daily basis, but their personalities have changed. That person isn't dead. They are very much alive, and I can talk to that person. As long as the sins and burdens of the past are left where it belongs. As long as we, as two adults, can move forward with the best of intentions and actions in mind, who knows what will happen in this strange life. 

But for now, I do what any person does with loss after adequate time to grieve has gone by. I laugh. I cry. I enjoy life and spend time with the loved ones around me. I work hard and play hard. I seek to grow, and I keep looking to the future while being content with the present. 

But every once in a while, I stop. And I go the proverbial graves of those I lost, and I bow my head in a moment of silence. I recall the good times and reject the bad, only focusing on the negative when it's to learn from my mistakes and theirs. I open my eyes, leave a flower on the soil and then walk away, never looking back. 

For I still have much work to do on myself, and I can't waste too much time on mulling over what if's, and whether I will see the dead resurrected again. Where there's life, there's hope.